Okay, maybe more like 40 lines instead, but hey, consider this my shared thoughts in my own personal "garden of Gesthemany." (Ya know, when Jesus wept blood and all?) Sometimes... you just gotta look into the abyss check out what stares back at ya, and say, "What up?"

While I have been notably absent from GiAMind for a bit, I am still here.
The whole tribe appearance conflict thing put me off for a while, and I just never got re-inspired to return. WHile I am still steadily channeling Ancient Herstory, no one seems really interested anyway.
I feel sad about this.

I find that I am becoming less and less able to maintain a semblance of a "normal functioning human," ... whatever that is.
Why? I wonder.

Basically it is harder and harder to feed, house, and clothe myself, although I will always keep feeding my dog...
and believe it or not, now also a cat... interesting dynamic between them, but the kitten seems fearless!

(long story, but this re-incarnated kitten Shamballah, followed me and Wally home one day while on a walk. How do you deny fate? What else could I do?)

It seems I must almost "enslave" myself just to exist!
I keep clutching at straws that have no substance, yet when I cling to substance that fills my heart, I find that I am left with nothing that anyone else seems to care about...
or wants to hear...
or wishes to see...

Well, some of you do, but your not here... with me... so where is the one for me?
I feel I am becoming more and more isolated and feeling alone and ....
yes, lonely.

I wonder...
"Do we know when it is our time to become extinct?" Or do our lives just slowly come unraveled as we find we have no more place in the world to be?

The world I dreamed of is emerging...
the patterns I felt, are more present...
and the world is descending into...
I don't know what...
but it feels cold...
and empty...
and desperate...

and all at once like a vast sea of impersonal and shallow lifestyles with only a few islands of shining beings of love and light floating here and there...
Beings whose joy radiates like lightning- bugs in the dark; sometimes bright, sometimes subtle, but always there.

I have dwelled upon these islands now and then, but I have yet to find that place that is my "Home."
Or that one that is my "other, my self."
And no place yet that I seem able to at least just "maintain."

ANd as I struggle like a frantic lunatic sometimes to make sense of it all, and try to "keep up," I hang onto a few outlets of creativity as a lifeline to my sanity.

But is it working?

I no longer have the answer for that.

I watch those in the world of the "matrix" as they slowly try to grasp the magnitude of our species' suicidal tendencies, and I hope they finally "get it" before it's too late, but I still wonder...
There are so many who seems to loudly deny and willfully not accept the facts and truth.
What madness is this?

How is such callousness and indifference to suffering maintained by so many, unless, they have forgotten how to feel?
or never could?
Is this the world I was born into?

For I know, to hear the suffering of a single child moves my heart to seek a cure, yet so many now are crying, and suffering, and dying, and still the charade goes on.

Many do care.
The islands of those who share the love of each other's hopes and dreams, of which tribe is one of them, certainly rally and demonstrate, and organize to reclaim the earth, and the spirit of love and joy.

Have I been "island hopping" for so long, that I have forgotten how to be still?
Do I no longer recognize what is solid ground and what is but illusion?

If GiAMind is but surrender to the Infinite, to that which is greater than the sum of all the parts...
then perhaps that time has come for me to do just that and nothing more.
Final surrender...
Come what may...

I find the struggle to exist in this world to be in direct confrontation with me having an open heart. Strange as that seems, the world I am experiencing does not seem to reward me for my sensitivity, or my concern, or the gentle moments.
And without that... well,
It just doesn't seem real.. or valid... and not much fun anymore.
Worth living?

Just to be able to breathe clean air, or drink living water is a standard quickly vanishing for me, and again, hard to maintain.
Food is anything but pure, and I drink clay regularly just to filter out the steady flow of poisons, and toxins that I know I take in.
Is this the life I must accept?

May I too feel overwhelmed?
Can one who has the visions of paradise lost, not long for that paradise that seems forever to be lost.. or may never be known in my lifetime?

When will the story in my mind, find the path to be seen and heard, and remembered?
And in some long tomorrow, finally awakened?

Am I gasping in a sea of sorrow and self inflicted pain?
Is the world a darker place or am I only seeing what I could not see before?

Or have I just forgotten that the gaze of a true lover is the simple cure that turns a world of demons and dragons into Heaven's gate?